Confessions of a Ginger

A day in the life of a ginger


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Second Class, Division One

As many of you are aware, this year marked the final year of my undergraduate degree in Psychology. As you can probably tell from my very long stint away from the blogging world, it became an all consuming battle to keep my head above water. Without a doubt it is the hardest thing I have ever done, and my god did it take everything I had.

uni

My life, post dissertation that is, mainly consisted of 10 hours a day sitting at my dining room table (if you could identify it under the reams of paper!) trawling through my notes, hoping, praying and generally begging the information to seep into my skull. It was a rather dismal description of ‘living life’ as I certainly did not have anything that resembled a life, out of the four walls that I call home.

Despite my love of knowledge and learning being a part of me for all my years in education, it has simply never come easy. I always had to work 10x harder to meet my own expectations, that realistically have always been so high. Now don’t get me wrong, I have been elated with the grades that I have previously received, and I can’t complain as they have always got me to where I need/wanted to be, however, I felt that the effort I put in, was never quite reflected with dazzling results. Knowing this, you can only imagine how I felt yesterday when I was walking to get my results.

Now let me describe that fateful walk: My campus is stunning, it is green, home to some spectacular wildlife and a gorgeous trip into university. However, yesterday, raining and miserable, I saw none of that. As I traipsed along the path trying to avoid throwing up and bursting into tears, all I saw was the long winding path that would lead me to my fate (dramatic I know, but nerves just doesn’t describe it). I genuinely felt like I was walking to an execution!

Our grades are posted on a board, with our candidate numbers and grades all aligned. Do you know how difficult it is to distinguish your own number when all start with 2100 and you can barely see for tears! I finally found my number, and to my total disbelief, I had done it! I had bagged myself a 2:1 and could no longer hold back the tears! It has been a roller coaster of a ride, that at many points I have wanted to get off, but it is over and I have jumped that final hurdle, I could not be more happy or relieved. The stress of the last three years have been totally worth it.

Despite academically achieving the dream, the best thing about my university experience is the friends that I have met along the way – the ones who never doubted me. That alone made this experience 100% worthwhile, regardless of my academic outcome!

From undergraduate to postgraduate – let this crazy journey continue!

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When life gives you lemons…

I may have gone awol from the blogging world, but (I hope!) I am back, at least trying to be a  little bit more consistent than before!

I have a post in the pipe line about being on the other side of my degree, however, after watching surprise surprise tonight, I decided that I wanted my first comeback post to be about a person who I completely idolize and adore! I’m not sure whether you can call it an appreciation post or a gratitude post, but it is a post all the same! A post that definitely protects my life more than if I dragged her on national TV to express this!

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My best friend,

A girl who has the heart and strength (and sarcasm) large enough to consume the world. Words cannot express how proud of her I am, over the last 18 months we have embarked on a roller coaster ride that has seen euphoric highs and incredible, world crashing lows. Without the need to go into details, the strength that this girl has found and used to get her through the very darkest of her days, is something that I watch on with complete pride and complete admiration.

Without doubt, watching her fall apart in front of me, and feeling utterly powerless, is the most soul destroying thing I have ever had to watch. Every day, I woke up wishing that I could take her place, to take the pain away and stop her suffering. If there is one thing that I have learnt in my 21 years of life on this warped earth, is that good people get hurt, truly good people suffer, whilst scum run free. However, when you hit rock bottom, then there really is only one direction left to go – and that’s up! And my god has this girl risen from the fire into the beautiful, funny and strong woman that had once been buried in the aftermath of hell.

She is the person that I admire the most, she is the person that I look up to most, she is the most important person in my life. I thank my lucky stars every day that our paths crossed and that I was lucky enough to get to know her. She has proven, that no matter what life throws at you, you can come out stronger and better than ever!

I think it takes someone very special to be able to come through what she has, and I can only hope, that as much as possible, I was there as much as I tried to be. It is a credit to us and a credit to how close we are that, together we remained as close as we have (and always will!). If I could be half the person, teacher, friend that she is, I will live a very content life.

She has the ability to make me cry with laughter one minute and to be content in silence the next. I could not wish for a better person to have in my life. I owe her everything!

(I can only imagine the vom faces she will be making…..right about……. now! (LOVE YA!)

And most importantly,  she has taught me the very best lesson in life: When life give you lemons: Make it into the most ass-kicking cocktail you have ever seen – with a large dose of payback, and of course, tequila!


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When adulthood struck….

This week has been crazy and it’s only Tuesday!

On Monday, after narrowly avoiding complete hysteria I bound my dissertation …. I can’t get over how proud I was of essentially a wad of 60 pieces of paper… but there it was, after much blood, sweat and tears it was done – a quarter of my degree bound and unchangeable ….

I thought the moment I handed it in would be full of relief.. but the only emotion I got was dread. Knowing that that was it, it was bound and signed and there was nothing I could do about it! I felt what I can only describe as flappy, all of that hard work for 10 months boils down to 60 pieces of paper!

dissertation

After eventually calming myself down, and getting one of the best nights sleep in a while… I awoke to a graduation invitation …. at that moment reality hit me full force again and I realised that 7 exams were in between me ….and well the real world! I honestly have no idea where these last 3 years have gone and my god has it been a ride… but somehow here I am on the edge of finishing and one final push needed to jump that final hurdle!

To top it all off, I received my DBS check for my PGCE in September… another reality check! All I have ever striven for is to become a teacher… now I am about to achieve that…. NOW WHAT?

Apparently at some point I became old enough for all this to happen!


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Dissertation Doom

I have well and truly sucked at this whole blogging thing, but in my defense, the final year of my psychology undergraduate is taking up all the brain power I have left (which is very little!)

I will now take you through the thoughtful process of thesis writing!!

1. “It’s great that I have a topic that I am really interested in, this is what I came to university for”

This is the blissfully ignorant stage, where you find your ‘passion’ and get to spend 9 months of your life learning everything there is to know about the field that has ignited your love for learning… I would refer to this as the honeymoon stage, because realistically, it is all down hill from here on out!

cone at me

2. “Everything is going wrong, is this what research looks like? How did I ever think this was a good idea!? 

This is the stage when you realise your passion doesn’t equal paradise, in fact it closely resembles one of those recurring nightmares you used to have as a child… apart from you’re awake and it’s real … REALLY REAL. However, you’re still keeping your cool in the lovely little bubble of denial so all is okay(ish).

3. “I have a month left and I still don’t have even half of my participants, what the hell am I going to do!?”

It isn’t until March hits that you begin to panic… you have until now at least, been aware of the computers breaking and the cancellations of participants, but somehow that flip of the calendar brings everything crashing into reality! You have nowhere near enough data to reach power and there are no people or time left to rectify the situation.

dissertation hell

4. “There is no literature to support what I am saying! It actually doesn’t exist!”

This is when shit really starts to hit the fan…. after hours of trawling through journal articles to support a comment you have made in your literature review, you begin to realise maybe said evidence doesn’t exist! Cue, complete new structure of literature review and less words than you had 5 months ago.

5. “NOTHING IS SIGNIFICANT”

If entering the world of statistics wasn’t painful enough, there is nothing more soul destroying than finding no significance in anything you have found. You are explaining correlations that are non existent and stating p values that aren’t even worth reporting…. oh and if you do find something vaguely significant, it will contradict the very little literature you have collected.

insignficant

6. “I’m not happy, I am going to rewrite it again – Dissertation Draft 25”

I don’t think I have ever re written anything more in my life, so much so I could recite the damn thing in my sleep. I say rewriting, most of the time it is copy and pasting the same thing into a new word document.

dissertation

7. “I’m so excited to put it all together!”

The sheer excitement at the prospect of seeing all your hard work in one document is one of the most satisfying feelings, you know the end is in sight and your about to see just how many thousands of words you have written – be proud!

8 “I HATE WORD, WHY WON’T THAT GRAPH GO THERE!?”

The excitement is short lived, when you realise that as you assemble all your hard typed work, Microsoft has a mental breakdown and decides to throw the graph you put on page 39 onto page 2…. shortly followed by your own mental breakdown as you spend hours dragging graphs and headings to where they were originally placed 5 hours ago.

“Be brutal!”

You finally get all the formatting sorted, and it is in a state where it can be distributed to some fresh pair of eyes. The best/worst thing you could tell someone who is proof reading your dissertation is to be brutal …. pride dented and red pen run out, you feel pretty crap about your efforts and start to rethink your intelligence and how you ever got to university in the first place.

proof

10 “It’s taking me as long to edit as it has to write it!”

You then have the pain staking task of trawling through adding commas, deleting full stops, changing phrases… all to keep the grammar police off your back for that final proof read.

11. “NOW MY GRAPHS HAVE MOVED AGAIN”

After feeling pretty accomplishec after making all your amendments, you realise your beautifully formatted pages have now moved AGAIN…. this point is where the laptop nearly makes a bid for freedom out of the window!

12. “YES! PDF COME AT ME”

Your worries about formatting are one of distant memories, as the PDF is firmly stuck and ready for binding!! You’ve made it!

13. “OH NO A SPELLING MISTAKE” 

Just as you think the hell is over, you notice you’ve missed that a out of appendix… but my PDF is uneditable! As you traipse back to your word document, praying the one letter doesn’t throw your formatting off, you hold your breath as it saves for the last time

14. “I’M HERE, I AM ACTUALLY HERE” 

This is your thought process at the binders, you’ve made it with everything on a memory stick ready to be bound into a document you’ve never been happier to get rid of your life!

15 “HOW MUCH!?”

” £20!!! I pay £9,000 a year…. why is this costing me, have I not been put through enough pain, without piling onto my overdraft!

16 “Look how beautiful it is!”

You have never been proud enough of anything more in your life! Blood, sweat and tears have gone into this (literally!) and after stroking the laminated cover several times, you realise that your degree is nearly over!

done!

17. “I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE”

You realise this momentous occasion, also marks the penultimate hurdle of your university career, and you have soon got to go out into the real world, where eating out of saucepans is a thing of the past and disney marathons become a once loved memory

blanket fort

So there we have it… the emotional roller coaster that is thesis writing, the rollercoaster that you can’t wait to get off, until you find yourself begging to stay on!

Bring on those final exams!


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Phobias

According to medical statistics needle phobia is a medical condition that affects up to 20-23% of adults- to the point where they would actively avoid medical care…

Now, as a psychologist and a complete needle phobe, I am fully aware of how phobias work and what goes on in my head when presented with the prospect of needles! I am aware it is completely irrational, and neither can I tell you what I am actually scared of, nor where I developed this phobia from… all I know is that it is something that has always resulted in me bawling like a baby in the surgery …. highly embarrassing!

I am also one of those annoying patients, that just does not have time for small talk.. I do not want to discuss what I am doing at the weekend, because I know exactly what you are trying to do, and the distraction just doesn’t work.. inevitably you are going to stab that sharp thing into my arm, regardless of whether I discuss my weekend plans with you!

I discuss this hideous topic, as tomorrow I am having to have my vaccinations to travel to Egypt… now this is controversial in itself… I have always had issues with vaccinations even if it directly related to my health, and I was never going to… ever, going to a country where I would have to have an injection … I simply didn’t see the point in putting myself through hell and back for a holiday… That was my 15 year old self mind set anyway… at 21, the thought of needing a injection for a holiday is no more appealing…. but my 21 years old self wants to see the world, to experience one in a life time opportunities, and I refuse to let myself miss out over a poxy needle! (ask me again tomorrow and I may have a completely different perspective!)

So, there we have it, tomorrow I shall probably be dragged kicking and screaming into the doctors surgery, apologize profusely to all involved, and cry for 20 minutes, where, if I actually just sucked it up, would probably take a grand total of 2 minutes …. Studying phobias makes this whole process utterly frustrating!

The day I have to have a blood test, will be one huge ordeal… and well the day I turn into a pregnant human pin cushion…. I will make sure my child knows what ordeal I went through! (I say I’m joking, but I’m not too sure)

Now I would put a nice illustration in here – but if I’m honest I can’t bring myself to google the word needle! Instead here is a snippit into my thought processes tomorrow!

  • Okay I can do this – you are 21 years old – man up!
  • I CAN’T DO THIS – I WANT MY MUM
  • Charlotte, get a grip! You’re embarrassing yourself
  • NO I DON’T WANNNAAAAAA!!!!
  • I’m really sorry for what you are about to witness! Really I am
  • Shut the hell up, distraction doesn’t work
  • Oh that wasn’t that bad…
  • No actually it was.. never make me go back again!

Hope to touch down soon! I know I haven’t been very present in the blogging world! Final Year of my undergraduate consumes most of the time I have!

Charlotte

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9 Stages You Will Go Through When You Find Out Your Dad Is Cheating

Wow! Came across this today … it puts feelings into words, and words into feelings. My situation isn’t exactly the same but somehow it just makes a lot of sense!

Thought Catalog

Pink Sherbet PhotographyPink Sherbet Photography


1. You go to say goodbye to your dad one day. He’s looking at a weird website, it kind of looks like porn. You think, “Seriously? Porn in the middle of the day, in the family room, on a Sunday?” For whatever reason, the name of the website sticks with you. You Google it. You realize what it is.

2. Hate. You basically want to cut that asshole out of your life. How could he do that to your mom? The woman who bore his children? You research reasons why men cheat. You come across Ashley Madison as a source for a couple of articles. Ironically, this website is also your dad’s tool of choice for meeting up with women. You create an account and find your dad. You see his ratings and comments by past lovers. You want to barf. You keep Googling why men cheat…

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Exceeding Expectations

Yesterday I sat my Literacy and Numeracy QTS Skills test…

I have never had very much faith in my Mathematical ability, it is something I have also been very pessimistic towards. I have and still don’t particularly enjoy Maths, a lot of it just doesn’t make any sense in my little brain.

So I’m sure it comes as no surprise to you, if I tell you I was dreading sitting this test, that in my head I was inevitably set to fail.

In fact I felt like this little fish, taking the biggest leap of faith, for something I was so desperate to pass! expectations

After an hours worth of shaking, sweaty palms, and several mental notes to get a grip I press THE END button. I have never felt so sick, and never at that moment wanted to pass something so badly…

After a painful hour wait (in real time it was only 5 minutes)  I got passed the envelope to tell me that, exceeding every expectation I had, that I HAD PASSED. Elation is the only emotion I felt, along with the biggest slice of relief!

One major hurdle cleared, just a degree to pass now!

2015 is going to be one hell of a year!