Today, I wrote the letter to end all letters, a letter that will allow me to start a new chapter come 2015. If you are a regular follower of my blog, you will remember me writing an open letter to my dad, a letter that I never actually sent him.
Well this time I have written a letter and sent it to him – the final goodbye, the letter that will close my heart for the final time. I can’t say I didn’t cry my way through every word… and I can’t say that I am not filled with regret that this is the hand that I have been dealt… but I know I can’t carry all this emotion for very much longer, and 2015 marks the start of the rest of my life.
Thank you for the Christmas money. However, if you so wish it can be your last.
I know that this probably won’t mean much to you, but it is something, as we approach the new year that I feel I have to do.
Come January the 1st, I am embarking on the most important year of my life, the year that I have essentially been working towards for 17 years, and especially in the last 7. These past 2 years have genuinely been the worst two years of my life – that I know if I had to relive again, I wouldn’t be strong enough to make it. That being the reason, that I have to leave everything behind, going into a year that is going to push me to its limits as it is.
It’s time to properly let go of that heavy heart that has been with me since the day I said goodbye. I will forever be hurt by your decision, and I will resent that our family wasn’t good enough for you until the day that I die. I loved you with all my heart, until you broke it and it wasn’t able to love anymore. I’ve come to see that I have carried the guilt and the hurt for why we all weren’t good enough, but not anymore, that’s your hurt not mine – and I should not hold any guilt for you.
My 21st birthday card from mum had a 7 page ‘story of my life’ enclosed within it , yours not distinguishable from any other year, I would have thought you would have understood that words would mean far more than money.
I can’t say that you not being at my graduation was something that I ever envisaged, the opposite in fact, but I guess we all have to live with the actions of others.
2015 I am going to live for me and say goodbye to the memories and the pain that my early adulthood has bought me. I never thought I would live my life without my Dad, but life never does turn out the way that you want it to – I’ve learnt that the hard way!
I really hope Life number 2 was worth giving up Life number 1 – and that whatever we didn’t do, is fulfilled – please do let me know what it was, so that I don’t make the same mistake again!
I guess that’s all that I wanted to say – it’s what I wanted to do to lock the door and open another – one that I hope doesn’t lead to the pain that this one has.