As I fastly approach my 21st birthday, I find myself on the cusp of complete change, I find myself reflecting on …. well everything!
MY LIFE IN 21 REFLECTIONS
1) I find myself scared: Today I filled out post graduate applications – applications to finally do exactly what I have always wanted to do… teach. But instead of the excitement of reaching another huge milestone in my life, I find myself terrified, terrified that this is the start to the rest of my life, and if I’m honest I feel completely directionless. I have always hated change but this has reached a whole new level, it is now my life, of which I have complete control over… and for some reason I hate it! I am constantly evaluating whether I am making the right decision, and coming no closer to certainty.
2) I find myself thankful: Despite me and change not have the best of relationships, it has always worked out for the best. I have always been one to only have a few close friends and not hundreds of associates. Since coming to university I have completed my list of friends in the best way I possibly can – I have never been happier for having such amazing people around me – yes it may not be many but they are worth everything! Words can not to justice how much a certain few mean to me, it is the most intense feeling of happiness that I have ever felt, and I am so thankful to have them in my life.
3) I find myself upset: Today we had a house viewing, today that meant that this little home that I have become quite attached to is no longer going to be ours, in 9 months we are embracing change all over again. It just somehow feels like an end of the era. Throughout school I had always had the life ambition to get a degree… but now what? I hadn’t though past that point! This is where the lack of direction comes in, I know I want to be a teacher and for now that is my next mission… but it all just seems to lack that something. I just don’t know what it is yet
4) I find myself excited: Words cannot explain how excited I am for graduation, it marks the achievement that I didn’t think I could ever reach… but now with less than 6 months to go it is becoming a reality. To make my family proud is the ultimate, I’ve achieved something, that at many points I didn’t think I could do! and at honest even know I have doubts whether I can jump that final hurdle
5) I find myself let down: Ultimately the biggest bomb shell of recent years has been my dad leaving, and choosing another woman over us. Graduation was meant to be the four of us together. Instead, it will be just the three of us – my dad won’t be there. This hurts too much, the fact that I won’t be able to run into my dads arms shouting “I did it!” hurts too much for words. I want him there more than anything, but he made that not possible, he took that moment away from me, a moment, and my life with him in it away from me. He took away everything that was most important in my life, and left an empty shell in its place. I don’t think I will ever fell wholly complete.
6) I feel proud of myself: The last few years have been anything but easy, but, on the whole I have been stronger than I thought it was ever possible for me to be. I’ve grown up into someone who is realistic but still has dreams. I could have crumbled, don’t get me wrong I had my moments, but I didn’t fall apart. I refuse for my dad of all people, to ruin any more of my life than he already has done!
7) I feel incomplete: This is an odd feeling, something that I rarely experience. I am ferociously independent and have never and will never need a man to define me. My dad has set that in stone as much as possible. But I feel as if my life is missing a piece – I would love nothing more to fall hopelessly in love (just like in the movies) but we all know that it doesn’t happen like that in reality. Just to have someone to love me for who I am, who wants to take care of me and will never leave my side. I’m not saying I need this to be happy, it would just be nice!
8) I feel like an adult: Okay this one isn’t strictly true, I feel anything but like an adult but I realised how self sufficient I really am, and how much I have grown as a person since starting university . I may have to grow up but I will forever have that inner child in me where I can watch Disney movies and take up every opportunity for me to go on a playground! Why else do you think I want to be a primary teacher!? 😉
9) I feel lucky: I have been incredibly fortunate to have been offered some wonderful opportunities. Working with children that don’t have that has really made me appreciate what I have. I hope that I can continue to add to those opportunities, life really is for living and I think amongst all the stress I need to remember that!
10) I feel stressed: Pretty much my current state of emotion 99% of the time. I have so much to do (and yet I find myself writing this blog post!) in so little time. I’m really not someone who thrives of pressure and my to do list is just ridiculous! I just keep telling myself it will all be worth it ! Well it better bloody be!
11) I feel loved: I might not have had the best hand when it comes to family members but when push comes to shove I have my mum, my sister and my nan and grandad. Okay, like many family members to they irritate me something chronic at times, but I love them all so much! We have all been through a pretty horrendous few years and there is nothing that I want more to see my mum happy, she deserves the world and more. She has brought me and my sister up, pretty much single-handedly and I don’t appreciate her enough, I wouldn’t be where I am today without the sacrifices she has made. It is her time now, to live her life exactly how she wants it!
12) I feel angry: When times are tough you really learn who mattered and who never did. I am astounded at my dads side of the family, they have behaved so awfully that I really am ashamed. My dad caused the mess that we all find ourselves in, no one else but him! It is therefore not our fault that we made decisions that you may not like … because we didn’t want any of this… but unlike dad we didn’t get a choice. Don’t punish us for something that wasn’t our fault!
13) I feel defeated: The more work that gets piled on the more I think that’s it I can’t fight it anymore. Like this essay I am most definitely not avoiding by writing this post. It is always momentary defeat, I would never give up, it is far too important but still can’t help but feel a little bit deflated!
14) I feel tired: I am exhausted, just thinking about what I have to do tires me out! The actual feat of doing it makes me want to hibernate for a very very long time!
15) I feel accomplished: It only really struck me today, when about to shake up my quite content little life again, of how much of an achievement coming to uni was. Hardly any of my friends were going the year I was and I was moving 2 hours away, to somewhere where I didn’t know a sole. I created a new life from scratch all by myself, I can’t say I didn’t struggle at times. But it was genuinely the best plunge I have ever made!
16) I feel less intelligent than when I came to uni: I am sure I was more intelligent two years ago, studying was never THIS hard! A degree is no easy feat! and I know it will take every ounce of me to make this, to make this work and to make this worth while.
17) I feel poor: £9000 a year is making my noose worth of debt a very scary figure! It is getting a bit ridiculous! But I know that I would spend that and more to have the experience that I have been so very lucky to have!
18) I feel rich: I may not have a lot, but I am richer than people like my dad will ever be! I have some quite honestly amazing friends, and some incredibly supportive family! I don’t need things to be rich, I have all I need!
19) I feel wise: I got bullied terribly at school, I hated many a teenage year! But now, now I have come out the otherside, and through social media I can track the lives of said bullies, and seen what they have become – non achievers, scrounging off benefits, with multiple children or high off drugs. Me? The ginger nothing that should kill herself, is just about to earn herself a degree! TAKE THAT
20) I feel excited: I am about to embark on a whole new chapter of my life, and yes I am completely terrified! but I know that this is where my life really starts
21) I FEEL OLD: How did 21 years pass with me barely noticing!?
So there it is, my 21 reflections! 21 years worth of laughter, heartbreak and tears. 21 years of my life. 21 years of me!