A few months ago I posted an open letter to my estranged dad… to date it has been my most popular post, and personally it is the post that I have gained the most from writing. If you haven’t read it, feel free to check it out here.
This weekend, I made a surprise visit home to see my mum and sister, naturally we went to have a mooch around town and just spend a bit of time together. On our way back, who do we bump into… my Dad and his love affair… (what are the chances!). I at first didn’t see my Dad, but I saw her… she looked at me with so much smug hatred it genuinely made my skin crawl, I stared her out though and then she wasn’t that brave, as she turned her glare away from me.
As for my dad, my sister spotted him first, and well I can honestly say that I didn’t recognise him. He left just over a year and a half ago – since then he has put some serious weight on and has gone grey, and is looking a very old man! They have however lived such a lavish life style together and the stress of ruining a families life must come with quite a physical cost. Not only didn’t I recognise him physically, emotionally, today I finally felt no emotional bond, I didn’t recognise the person I was referring to as my Dad… and I realised that’s because yes, he may be my biological father, but he is no dad to me.
He gave up that place when he put other women before the mother of his children and his actual children. He lost that right to be a part of my life when he walked out that door and never looked back. Because if he had looked back, he would have seen a broken family, a heartbroken wife and lost children. I longed for him to look back that day, but he never did… he didn’t even tell me that that was the last time he was going to walk out that door, he just left me to watch.
I am approaching a very uncertain part of my life, I am about to lay the foundations for the start of the rest of my life. Today I realised that I need to make that plunge, however scary that may be, I need to live this life for myself. I have an identity now, an identity that has the power of her life, and I don’t want him to bring me down, or not be a constant reminder of the most horrendous end to my childhood that you could possibly imagine. I have always felt very blessed for the childhood that I was provided with… but I realised from my fathers perspective it was all a lie.
And that is something that I have found hard, something I feel like I am now prepared to let go and start a life that is based on solely truthful intentions, family that matters, and pretty amazing friends.
The final court case is the day before my 21st Birthday and coincidentally bonfire night (there will almost certainly be fireworks)…. if that isn’t symbolic then I don’t know what it is ! It symbolises the beginning to the end of our past life for my mum, who genuinely deserves the world. And it symbolises the start of my adult life. It symbolises a new start, and I hope that 2015 will be the year that we all do what makes us happy, knowing that wherever we all end up, whether that be together or separated, we will always have each other.
It’s scary and it’s daunting but it is, it is exciting. It is a chance for us all to make a life that isn’t dictated by a man that lies and brings heartbreak wherever he goes.
Here goes nothing!