It’s day two of final year, I should not be this stressed. If I’m honest with myself though… I’m not sure I have been this stressed in a long time. I’m not really sure why I fee like I’m not coping, because okay yes I’ve got a lot to do… but something inside tells me that normally I’d cope and normally the work load wouldn’t phase me… but it’s really getting to me!
It’s like my head has shut down and I’m struggling to keep myself above the water. I’ve noticed it physically too, my chest is tight and I feel as if I can only get decent breaths if I take a huge breath. I can’t make sense of what is going on in my head, everything is scrambled up and I can’t make sense of anything.
My dissertation is most definitely the biggest cause of my stress levels, going it solo, with a not so great supervisor has lead to at least 12 hours in the lab the passed two days. But I’m not sure why it is having such a bad effect on me. I feel so unorganised and I feel like I’m going around in circles and getting nothing done. These passed few days I have genuinely not stopped, and realistically not achieved a huge deal!
I think it is winding me up more than anything… I always always cope.. no matter what shit is thrown at me I always cope.. so why has my body decided now that enough is enough!? I’ve burst into tears for no apparent reason a grand total of 6 times in 48 hours … not including crying myself to sleep. GET A GRIP WOMAN!
I’m always one to forward plan, and I think that worrying about the future as well as what is happening now is the reason for this overwhelmingness.. as well as my doubt in my academic ability. I have always had to work so hard to get grades that I am proud of, I fear that I’ve reached my threshold and my brain isn’t going to stay with me to see this year through!
There is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now and I hate not feeling like I’m in control… I had change and I hate the unknown. I have always always been my worst enemy, and undoubtedly is the only one putting the pressure on… I just feel as if I have something to prove … to prove the people that have turned there back that I can do it…. but I am doubting whether I can.
What’s worrying me the most, and anyone that knows me can vouch for this… I have completely gone off my food. My world revolved around food…. my motto in life is very nearly always this :
But right now food is the absolutely last thing that I want.
I think that writing this post, would help me unwind the mess that is going on in my brain right now, but I’m not so sure! Hopefully, after some sleep(that is if I get any!) it’ll all seem a little bit more manageable… because right now I don’t really know what to do with myself… apart from needing to take a great big doze of the man up pill! (and maybe some alcohol….)
I think the best way to sum up how i feel right now is DIHFGIOSWBGUWDJSFEIJBGOWBGUWO Which by the way is one of the best emotion summing thing ever!
Sorry for the misery guts Charlotte tonight, hope to snap out of it soon!