I’ve been wanting to post about this for a while, but it’s taken a little to time to find the courage to write about it so openly… it’s always been something I haven’t wanted to publicly face – but now I feel is the right time to express what I have wanted to do for so long but have been simply too scared too.
*In the very unlikely chance that you are reading this Dad, I hope this hits home …*
Dad Biologically related human being ,
You left a year and a half ago, you left, and chose your love affair over your children. I gave you a final choice, and you still chose her. That day you turned my world upside down, shook it up, and stood on what remained for good measure…. suddenly I didn’t know anything anymore, nothing at all, I was left feeling broken and betrayed. Betrayed by the person who was supposed to love me unconditionally, love me for who I was, and to be the apple of his eye – but I wasn’t … why wasn’t I good enough!? Why weren’t we good enough for you, what did we ever do so wrong!?
Time passed, without so much as a text, a letter, an email, a call. You chose her just like that and suddenly we weren’t enough. Everything I have done, has always been to make you proud, to make you glow with pride … what didn’t I do, what made you think so little of me.
hurt so f*@cking much, correction I did hurt… that intense hurt of seeing no life without you in my life has slowly started to dwindle into just a distant emotion that I can’t ever remember feeling. I fought for your approval, prayed you would see sense and realise that your daughters were worth so much more than a sleezy affair…. until I have no fight left, no desire to fight and no desire to ever want you back in my life ever again.
It’s true when people say that the hard times prove to you who will always matter, and who never did. My life is, and will be so much better without the likes of you in it. I realised that the day of your aunties funeral. When you approached me as if 7 months hadn’t passed and you hadn’t let me down so catastrophically. I stood up for my little sister when she was so upset, and all you did was invade my personal space, stick out your chest, and look down on me. You made me feel me so small and so insignificant and the words you so accusatively spat “Oh don’t you dare” will ever be ingrained into my memory and the hatred in your eyes as you glared at me – what did I ever to so wrong for you to not want me anymore.
But do you know what Dad, I’m doing just fine, I’m doing well, and without your help … I don’t need you, and will never need you because I have mum and Lauren, and some amazing friends who are all I need. I really hope that you live to regret this so much you can’t see a way past that hurt, because maybe then you’ll begin to understand what you put mum and us through.
When I graduate, When I marry, When I have my first child (your grandchild) I will celebrate without you there, because I don’t need you … I can’t say that there isn’t a part of me that regrets that you won’t be there and wishing that It could be different … but that’s the consequence of your choice. You can’t have your cake and eat it, and we can’t have any cake at all. It all seems pretty unfair to me.
I would do anything and give anything to have a dad that gave me faith in men, that is the only man in my life I need. But in fact dad, I have you to thank in my lack of trust in men, that until I’m proven wrong boys are like you and they will inevitably hurt me. No, I’m not stupid enough to believe that that is really true, but honestly, yes it holds me back, in fear that I will be hurt like my mum has been hurt by you.
I wish I was that 5 year old little girl that still idolized the ground you walked on, but I guess, that my perception of you was a false one, you were never that person.
As I finish writing this, I feel tears stinging in my eyes. I don’t know what that means, I don’t miss you and want you back in my life … but I guess my heart can never be fully healed no matter how much time passes or how much my strength grows.
I hope that this is the biggest regret of your life, but I suppose I should thank you really, for opening my eyes to the man you really are